Life is a maze

i've moved to kxindi.wordpress.com, seeyou there ( :

i don't know if anyone actually reads my gripes and whines but i really love this space!

anyway, i came home with the intention of packing my messy room and typing a nice, long and meaningful post. four hours later i'm still at this page, only having typed as much as this sentence, and my room unpacked. Il bel far niente. i'm amazed with my efficiency.


so, we had our school of business prom night just this Wednesday! feels like yesterday when i blogged about my first day in SP, about orientation, about classmates, about campus, about CCA. and now school's really over!


ever felt overwhelmed with nostalgia after looking through photographs? unearthing old, happy memories. that's the thing about photographs; they remain intact even though the people in it change and drift apart. 
and yes i'm still in a mopey mood. 
three years in poly; friends lost, shattered trust, fragile hearts... but friends gained, built dependable bridges of friendship, tons of wonderful memories. learnt valuable life lessons and grown physically and mentally. didn't find the other one whom i want to grow old with, the one who would make 'two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one' but i'm happy and contented with life as it is now. 



quoting Christopher, this awesome bunch of people "made the bad times of poly good and the good times better!" you guys made me laugh a little harder, cry a little lesser and smile a little more. let the good times roll!

oh woe is me
i will give myself a deadline, to end this depressing, mourning-like-someone-is-dead period, to stop feel lost and all.


i had an epiphany about depression. are you depressed about something? then go do something about it and not let yourself sink to the depths of depression! so whenever i got sad or upset about something, i will do whatever i can to get away from that kind of feeling. more often than not, i refused to acknowledge the problem cause i want to be happy and i like being happy and i dont want to be sad dealing with it. then i will reason it out with myself; why dwell on things that make you sad when you can have so much better? after a few days, the feeling will just go off by itself, miraculously, but nothing solved.

(okay, am not trying to prance around and proclaiming wisdom.)


so i've done a lot to get out of this depressing state. i ran, i ate comfort food, i shopped, i read, i played happy music, i surrounded myself with happy people...  and i still feel depressed.

reason for feeling depressed:

poly has indeed ended and idk what's next. 

and also, i've come to an unfortunate (maybe it's fortunate) realization that for the past 20 years i haven't exactly achieved anything that i'm especially proud of, hardly. my academic performances were often average. even though i worked during the exam periods, i was pure lazy on other days. i did well in ccas in secondary school but being physically-inclined isn't really something great. at least i was passionate about sports, all kinds of sports - netball, canoeing, rock climbing, biking, roller blading and blah. but now i would gladly trade it and be musically inclined or be someone who's really awesome in fine arts. okay maybe i should take that back, grass always look greener on the other side.

i'm the 'halfway' kid since young. never had the drive to accomplish anything. i stopped swimming when i received the silver badge. i stopped piano at grade 5 (even though im playing again now cause i find it fun), stopped drama lessons idk why, stopped abacus cause i think it's stupid (i still think that way), stopped playing guitar cause my fingers hurt so badly, stopped working as a cashier after 3 days (god knows why), stopped this and that. if i could, i would go back and slap that child (me) left right center. 


right, remedies. so now, i will FACE THIS PROBLEM VERY BRAVELY. be sad and gloomy for all i care, i just know i can't avoid it anymore. i need to sort my life out. plan for the next phase of life, think what i want to do, where to go, courses to take, part time jobs, be a social worker whatever and stop being a quitter

and to stop feeling lost and find some directions dammit.

with that, i end my rant of poignant regrets.

I WANT TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST. 

every relationship is about giving and taking. i can't be the one giving all the time, neither can you be the one always at the receiving end. maybe i got tired of constantly giving to you and receiving none back in return. not sure how true that is, but that's the way i feel about things now. like what i've answered the question posted on my formspring: friends are supposed to make you feel appreciated, make you feel like you are important in their lives cause of who you are, and not what they can get out of you.

i don't feel appreciated when i'm with you. you don't make me feel like i am important to you. i hate to start doubting this friendship. believe me, it's an incredibly difficult thing to do. but when you really start feeling strongly about some stuff, it's difficult to change your mind about it. i'm trying so hard to hide everything and pretend that everything is normal. but the more i try to hide, the more i feel like exploding. 

i think i'm giving up whatever we have left (not that we have much). it's like hanging by loose thread. if there is any value left, good for us. if there isn't (maybe none to even began with), then too bad. misjudgment on my part. maybe i expect a lot when i shouldn't have any expectations in the first place. 

i'm the kind of person who commit my entire being when i find something or someone worthwhile. you, of all people, should know it. and not getting the same in return is simply demoralizing. i really hate having disappointments and so much negativity. anyway i think horoscopes are true to some extent - i spend a lot of time struggling with my emotions.

y'know it was supposed to be a study date at my place! so i was really surprised to see jonathan holding the birthday cake and sunflower, looking like he was going to propose or something. hahahah scare the shit out of me! but it was really a pleasant surprise. so the study date turned out to be mahjong session, with timothy, chris and titus singing and playing the guitar - like gig performance eh? will put up the video soon! haha really nice to hear tits and tim play the guitar, so i think im gna learn how to play the guitar proper after my final papers!

finally done with the disgusting web publishing elective module! i didn't score too badly for the flash test which i thought i would screw up. i'm actually quite pleased with 89! then there was the final project where we had to create the website from scratch. html codes made me go berserk ugh! we actually stayed in school till 2am on a wednesday night to complete this project. i think Mandy and Yucong deserved the credits cause they really did alot! nevertheless, i'm really glad it's all done up. ^^

oh, and my graduation trip with 9 other lovely people is confirmed! kareen, ever so efficient, booked our flights and villa alr. ahh can't wait to fly off for the 5D4N holiday to Phuket. it's gonna be so much fun!

and i survived today's training!!! with alot of blisters from the fairly new boots grr. okay back to studying law. i want to ace it so badly!

i want legs like these!!! ) :

i really really wish time would just stop, or maybe allow me to replay everything. i love everything that's going on in my life right now. coming to poly has got to be the best decision i ever made. crossing paths with so many great wonderful people. this journey is coming to an end in another 2-3 months, and soon entering into another new phase of life.

sometimes i hate being so emotionally attached to people. why must things come to an end? 

i dont know where to go/what to do later. should i still join timothy at co. at arena at clarke quey or shiok people at mumba's house or should i go to gran's place?

actually a (major) part of me really wants to be alone in my own room. i just don't feel like talking to people or meeting people. i dont feel like dressing up. i dont want to be seen or heard. i feel exhausted and i just want to be quiet. i want to hear my thoughts and be completely absorbed in my own thoughts. i want to think about stuff. think about 2010 and think more about 2011. then i will watch movies and sleep at 12am. nope, not lonely if that's what you are thinking. cause in solitude, that's where we are least alone. and no, i dont feel pathetic. so yes im staying home. plus, i rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all for myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion. 

anyway, happy new year you peeps! 2011 will be another awesome year! ( :

okay, the picture is not doing this place any justice. i apologize for the lousy camera (iphone) and lousy skills but i really love this place alot! if i happened to be a millionaire in future, one of the things i would definitely buy is a private yacht for myself and live on it when i retire. so awesome. i wanted to go there today when i was around that area but i couldn't remember the way. yes, talk about short-term memory, sigh. 


and this is the best part this evening.

 

people have ugly flaws and all and im no exception. the times i snapped at my siblings, ignored them, refused their (sometimes stupid) requests, asking them to shut-up in the midst of their incessant chatter, all our petty squabbles etc AND at the end of it all, still getting this positive affirmation that i'm a wonderful sister is a great feeling, y'know? love you back {:

it's funny how im not sleeping even though my mind's exhausted. the past week was really awesome and i hope the holidays won't end so quickly! i really love christmas season; the special christmas feel and mood after we put up the eight ft christmas tree and hang bright red ornaments on it. not forgetting the gatherings and the lovely spirit of giving! it would be perfect if there's snow in Singapore, coupled with snowmen and santa claus and reindeers coming down the chimney haha.

going to shop for christmas presents tomorrow with the kiddos!